Going 'Home' to Study as a TCK

I wrote this article a number of years ago when I was living in Hong Kong and had younger children. This year, many of my friends having children going 'home' for uni from the Middle East, from Shanghai, Singapore and Hong Kong.

I decided to look at this article again and I feel it still holds relevance. My children are now growing up in Australia and most likely will go to uni here and feel local. They are growing up now as Australians that have a global outlook, rather than as I did as a Third Culture Kid.

Here's a view from a Third Culture Kid who did 'go home' for uni.

I’m a Brit by passport and humour. I like beans on toast and only after living with my now husband did a realize that the entire world doesn’t believe a cup of tea will solve almost anything; particularly with a biscuit. I am also a third culture kid (TCK).

However, going ‘home’ for university was a massive challenge for me in so many ways; one I didn’t expect and to be honest one I think I’ve only recently started to admit.

Having children of my own and seeing friends with teenagers who are starting university I find myself reflecting on the notion of ‘going home’. I am realizing the benefits TCKs have may well be to our detriment when we are ‘moving home’.

I went to British schools while I was growing up in Saudi, Malawi and Bahrain. We were taught the exact UK curriculum including French rather than Arabic as our 2^nd language. In addition, my parents are from the UK and although expats for the past 40 years my sister and I were brought up with many British values. There was never a question that I would go to university in the U.K as I’m English.

I chose Warwick University for the quality of the university as much as that it was a campus but still close to London. I was aware I would be overwhelmed living in London as I had done most of my growing up in such a small and safe community. I felt that Warwick would give me security yet the ability to get down to London easily.

I had believed that although I would miss my family the move would be relatively easy as I’ve moved before; am extremely social and outgoing; and I’m used to fitting in. TCK are known for their adaptability, their success to read others and to fit in quickly. In hindsight university was the most difficult time of my life and moving to Shanghai having never been to China was a million times easier, why was this?

If you have never lived away from your tight nuclear family unit any move will be challenging. If you’re British by passport and culture and you move to the USA for university you expect to have home sickness and you accept you may not necessarily understand all the jokes; nuances; and throwbacks to things from your childhood. You will however probably be a novelty. As a Brit going to university in the UK you don’t have that luxury.

Prior to going to university, I answered the question ‘where are you from’ with little thought – I’m British but we live in Bahrain. I was, and am, proud of my upbringing and was brought up to be vocal.

When I got to university this became a very difficult and exhausting question. I rapidly realized it was still an ice-breaker and it was used for us to find commonality. The problem was my answer didn’t invite a 2-way discussion; there was no commonality while standing in the union with a cider and simply trying to fit in. In previous circles my answer would have be replied with ‘oh my friend lived there’ or ‘we used to live in Dubai but we have just moved to Bangkok’. At The Union people didn’t know where to place me and much of what I said sounded boastful – dad arriving home with a car full of chameleon’s is a cool story in expatriate circles; not so much when you’re trying to fit in with a group of people who have grown up exclusively in the UK.  

To quote the wonderful Edward T Hall ‘Culture hides more than what it reveals, and strangely enough what it hides, it hides most effectively from its own participants’. It took me a long time to understand that as a TCK my culture is so very different from those who have grown up in their own culture. We are a mix of where we grew up, our friends, our school, and then so very importantly our parents – but remember our parents have a different culture than others from their country otherwise they wouldn’t be expats for so many years!

Would I have changed my university choice? No, I found some very close friends. However, not surprisingly the many of the ones I keep in touch with 15+ years later either had been expats or had a connection to other countries.   

What I do wish is that someone had prepared me a little more. So, if you have teenagers, or you’re a teenager yourself going ‘home’ for the first time to study remember;  

-        “‘A fish only realizes it needs water to live when it is no longer swimming in water. Our culture is to us like water to the fish. We live and breathe through our culture.’ - Fons Trompenaars. It’s very likely that you’ll feel like the fish out of water and possibly confused about it as you do know your ‘home’ culture. It’s OK to feel that way – remember you have a TCK slant on your home culture!

-        Be prepared to feel out of place for a while. Find like-minded people as soon as you possibly can – realize they will most likely be TCKs or ‘foreigners’ who are not embedded in the UK as their home.

-        You will miss your family and friends, but this isn’t the difficulty, it’s realizing that you don’t actually fit ‘at home’. It’s ok not to ‘fit’ you will find your own space and love it when you embrace that you are a little different – again find those like-minded/experienced people

-        When choosing your university (and Halls) check if it has an international outlook and what are the % of UK resident versus other.

-        University doesn’t have to be ‘the best time of your life’. I believe that for many who have never left home the uniqueness of being away from family and somewhere new makes it the best. As TCKs we often have had independence far earlier and have done so many things university can feel like a bit of a let-down – bar the studying!

Remember that we are often perceived differently that we think we are when we are surrounded by others who are different from us – and TCKs are a unique breed – embrace it